azhar's sixth confession:
the last chapter of his confessions.
my final confession is my first.
and the final confession shall end this blog.


[the final post..blog closing on 3rd Dec]


azhar's first confession(as posted on 3/01/2006).
azhar's final confession.
your vote.
something about my friends(find your name).
his quotes (some altered by frens/family).



"love is like a firesparkler. when lit it will create happy faces; and many smiles. when u place another firesparkler to the lit one, the sparks will spread and the other firesparkler will lit too. just like how love could spread among friends, family members and others.but this love will not last. soon the sparks that lit the night will die. faces will turn gloomy. darkness will conquer the night again. just like love; when a heart breaks, depression takes the advantage. and then the children lit more new firesparklers. like firesparklers, new love can be found or perhaps tarnished love can be revived. but then, the children suddenly stop. no more joy and laughter.they could not lit any more firesparklers. the lighter or match has died. their loved one died. " - azhar

CONFESSIONS OF AZHAR [first chapter]....(as posted on 3/01/2006)

My Beloved Brother

hi frens,

I have a brother..his name is Mohammad Hazly Bin Aziz.... He is mentally challenged...that he is suffering epilepsy... he got this disease when he was abt 2 yrs old as my parents can't afford to get a doctor when he got a VERY high fever... the 'kampong' doctor (or 'bidan' in malay) failed to cure the high fever and he got EPILEPSY and some FEATS....he can't eat by himself,too.. sadness right.... but i loved him a lot.... love him more than anythin'....more than my life....he got me spirited whenever i'm down... sometimes he makes me laugh(he's cute..hehe)... by the way some of my frens know about my brother but some don't... to be fair i think i should tell everyone about him...because they are my frens too.... anyway i have to work hard and study well for him and my family... i am gonna be the breadwinner sooner or later... i love my family and i will not bring them down... frens, don't pity me....i'm enjoyin' my life despite this because i know he wnts me to enjoy my life...my brother would never want me to suffer because of him...

sometimes i hope his normal....has a girlfren or married....ehem...or maybe workin' and givin' me some of the money..hehe..but God has made my brother's fate... i hope he will be healthy alwayz and cheerful too... because his my life...i dunno if i can survive without him...i'm about to CRY now by the way...

Love,

Azhar

"i can't live three days without food...

i can't live two days without water...

but i can't live even one minute without thinking of my brother" - azhar

"i don't write for sympathy. i write because this is the only place i can express myself and let everything out. i can't hold back my feelings. i just can't" - azhar



but i didn't know what to do. i didn't want to disturb my parents. they're old and need more rest than i do. furthermore, as the sole son, i must be independent. i held my brother's shoulders tight and refrained him from standing up. now he was crying. and his tears made mine jealous. my eyes soon get strained trying to hold my tears back. i looked at him again. my mind was playing tricks with me. there was no tears. he can't cry. he can't feel sad. afterall, he's special.


i wanted to check the time. but decided not to. if i leave him for even 5 seconds, he might stand up and his feats might murder him. i held him tight. i couldn't remember if tears do really flow down my cheeks. it was so dark; so much so that i could only see my brother's innocent eyes and white towel around his neck. i switched off the fan. somehow i thought maybe my brother couldn't stand the coldness. it looked like it was working. but i was wrong. very wrong. his feats started to attack him again.


then, a gush of wind made my curtains "move" after being motionless during this time. light shone through my brother's forehead and i saw blood. i did not panic. i was trained not to panic. my dad has thought me to be a man. and i should not fear blood. i did not wipe the blood away. 2 reasons: my brother has always love to scratch his forehead and it seldom bled; dry blood that is. another reason was i was more careful not to let him stand hum and held his body down.


time passed and soon he stopped. he was laughing. it shocked him. then common sense invaded my mind; he was a special one. seconds passed. or perhaps minutes. i said some prayers into his ears and prayed that GOD would help me. or perhaps, us. as if a miracle struck as, he soon went asleep. i looked down at him as i put his head onto his pillow. i did not switch on the fan. juz wanna make him feel warm. it's ok if it's too hot for me. what's important is my brother.

"to my dearest cousin, suhaila. stop visiting him almost every single week. he's already dead. i know u love him a lot. and that losing him is losing half or ur soul. but i tink ur actually hurting urself. u have to work and take care of ur brother and family. the accident happened a day or two days before my birthday. it was a shocking news i know. after that day, u asked me to download a song he liked. u listen to it almost every second of ur life. i have never been in any relationship, therefore, shall not say i understand how u feel. but deep down my heart. ur still my cousin and i care for u. " - azhar